


7.21 The Lost City, Part 1

by Nialla



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-19
Updated: 2006-03-19
Packaged: 2019-02-02 17:00:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12730653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nialla/pseuds/Nialla
Summary: A parody of The Lost City, Part 1, with audience participation.





	7.21 The Lost City, Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Thanks to Christi for much inspiration during our live MSTie sessions watching Stargate eps. Thank to both her and Tamela and for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alphagate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem _very_ familiar.  
 **Disclaimer:** Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. Kinsey, I'd like to torture, but that's just me. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations and story are mine.  


* * *

Previously on Stargate SG-1... Jack went Ancient, Thor apparently sucked out most of his intelligence to save him. Slashers have an interesting interpretation on that one. Kinsey has been elected Vice President, and the nation weeps.

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

FADE IN

INT. JACK'S HOUSE

[JACK'S SHAVING, WHILE WORKING ON A CROSSWORD PUZZLE TAPED TO THE MIRROR.]

AUDIENCE: Whoa, is this still Dumb!Jack? He's actually working on a crossword puzzle?

[THE PHONE RINGS, IT'S DANIEL.]

DANIEL: Jack! I've been translating the Ancient writing on the colonnade SG-2 discovered on P3X-439...

JACK: Daniel, I'll be there in half and hour...

DANIEL: It talks about a library of knowledge, Jack. I think the monument contains a repository of the Ancients.

JACK: Repository you say.

DANIEL: Yeah. That thing that grabbed your head, made you talk crazy, nearly killed you.

AUDIENCE: You mean the time when the Asgard had to suck the excess information out and apparently took too much?

JACK: It sounds like we should stay away then.

AUDIENCE: Jack hasn't been watching the show, eh?

[THEY'RE ABOUT TO HANG UP WHEN JACK HAS A QUESTION.]

JACK: No, no, no, wait. Don't hang up. I need a seven-letter word.

DANIEL: I told Sam I wouldn't help you.

AUDIENCE: [snerk]

JACK: Well, then this will be the one thing she doesn't know.

AUDIENCE: [double snerk]

JACK: Up, down, charmed, blank.

DANIEL: Strange.

JACK: Yeah. Thanks anyway.

DANIEL: No the word you're looking for...

[JACK HANGS UP.]

AUDIENCE: With as much as the Asgard apparently took out of Jack's brain, we're surprised he's still classified as human.

EXT. WASHINGTON, DC

[A YOUNG BLOND WOMAN WHO LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE SAM IS TRYING TO HAIL A TAXI. A MAN WITH AN ACCENT IS ALSO TRYING TO GET A TAXI.]

ACCENT WHORES: Whoo hoo!

[MAN AND WOMAN ARGUE OVER THE TAXI IN HIS NATIVE TONGUE.]

WOMAN: I can't be late, I have an appointment at the White House.

[A LIMO ARRIVES.]

LIMO DRIVER: Excuse me, Doctor Weir. Please get in ma'am.

[SHE WALKS TO THE TAXI, AND CLIMBS IN. KINSEY THE RAT FINK IS THERE.]

WEIR: Mr. Vice President.

KINSEY THE RAT FINK: Doctor Weir.

OPENING CREDITS

WEIR: It wasn't necessary for you to pick me up, sir.

KINSEY: I was on my way from the athletic club.

AUDIENCE: Him? An athletic club member?

SLASHERS: We think it might explain a lot of things.

KINSEY: How would you respond if I told you the Air Force is currently conducting top-secret operations with an alien transportation device called the Stargate? It was discovered in the early 1900's at Giza, not too far from the Great Pyramids.

WEIR: Is this a joke?

[KINSEY TAKES A PAPER FROM A FILE, AND HANDS IT TO HER. IT'S NOTE FROM THE PRESIDENT, SAYING "THIS IS NOT A JOKE!" SHE BEGINS READING THE REST OF THE FILE.]

WEIR: Oh my God.

SLASHERS: Did Kinsey give her a slash fic to read? We've got suggestions.

INT. SGC

[JACK'S IN THE ELEVATOR, STILL WORKING ON THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE. THE DOORS OPEN TO REVEAL THE REST OF THE TEAM WAITING NOT SO PATIENTLY.]

JACK: How long have you been waiting there?

DANIEL: You said half an hour, an hour ago.

DANIEL FANS: Ooooh, pissy Daniel.

SLASHERS: Yeah, Jack's gonna be sleeping on the couch if he's not careful.

SAM: General Hammond's waiting.

AUDIENCE: So are we.

[JACK GIVES SAM THE PUZZLE.]

SAM: The fate of the world is hanging in the balance and you've been sitting in your truck finishing this?

AUDIENCE: Does no one on the show watch the show?

JACK: I believe it was double or nothing.

AUDIENCE: They're betting on crossword puzzles? We'll chip in money to buy them a life.

SAM: Twenty-three across, the atomic weight of boron. Answer is ten. You wrote the word fat.

JACK: And your point?

AUDIENCE: Yep, Dumb!Jack is in da house. SGC, whatever.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

SAM: SG3 spotted a Goa'uld reconnaissance drone while on the planet where they found the colonnade.

AUDIENCE: You mean there was another Imperial Probe Droid and we missed it? Drat.

WRITERS: We're not falling for the sarcasm bit this time. But we're going to blow shit up later, so we're just going to sit here and be smug.

SAM: Since that obviously means the Goa'uld were aware of its existence, SG's 3 and 5 will be providing backup, if General Hammond approves the mission.

JACK: What mission?

[HAMMOND ENTERS THE ROOM.]

HAMMOND: Jack, nice of you to join us.

SLASHERS: Hm... so was it Daniel or Teal'c who kept him awake all night and made him late?

J/S SHIPPERS: Ack, no! It was Sam!

NOROMOS: If we say it was all of the above, with whipped cream and a cherry, will you just squee and shut up about it?

MENAGE SMUTTERS: We will!

HAMMOND: I've heard Doctor Jackson's report on his translation. Given what happened the last time you encountered something like this, I'm surprised you're so willing to take on this mission.

JACK: So am I, sir.

DANIEL: Jack?

JACK: Daniel?

DANIEL: Why wouldn't we want to gain access to the greatest repository of knowledge in the known universe? Once and for all finding the Lost City of the Ancients, and use their advanced technology to save the entire galaxy from the evil oppression of the Goa'uld?

JACK: Well, there's that.

REYNOLDS: From the mission file I've read, this is one of those things that whips out from the wall, grabs your head and re-arranges your brain, right?

SAM: It basically downloads the entire library of Ancients knowledge into a persons mind. That massive amount of data then slowly unspools into your brain, eventually taking over your consciousness completely.

DANIEL: Except for it wasn't meant for a physiology as primitive as ours.

JACK: Easy fella...

AUDIENCE: Oh, please. At this point, we're surprised Jack can tie his shoes.

TEAL'C: The Asgard were able to remove the information from O'Neill's mind before he was lost to us.

JACK: So why don't we just shoot Thor a call, get him standing by as back up?

AUDIENCE: I wouldn't trust Thor near my brain after last time.

JACK/THOR SHIPPERS (OR IS IT SLASHERS): But it's OK for letting him near the rest of your body.

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: [boggle] Oooookay.

SAM: We tried sir. He's not responding.

HAMMOND: None of our alien allies have been particularly reliable of late.

AUDIENCE: They've all either been killed off or are suffering from Writerus Crapatacious.

DANIEL: General, no one's saying that anyone should directly interface with the device. We're not *that* stupid. At least not most of the time. We're suggesting that it be extracted and brought home for study.

HAMMOND: The engineering team that studied the last one of these devices you found, determined nothing after six months of research.

SAM: We believe that device's power source was depleted when Colonel O'Neill activated it.

AUDIENCE: Sounds like a crappy device if it can only be activated one time. And we'll bet the warranty's run out by now.

HAMMOND: Recent intel suggests that Anubis has become a serious threat to dominate the rest of the Goa'uld in a very short time. We have to consider that Earth is at risk now more than ever.

AUDIENCE: Oh, puh-leeze. Anubis is only a serious threat as a stereotypical comic book villain. [looks at the writers] Oh, never mind, what were we thinking?

WRITERS: We have no idea. Haven't you been paying attention this season?

AUDIENCE: [sigh]

HAMMOND: If the knowledge contained within this device can lead us to technologies we can use to defend ourselves, we must pursue it.

JACK (to Daniel): Why didn't you just say that?

AUDIENCE: Because at this point in the writer's deconstructing of the show, you never listen to him anyway.

INT. WHITE HOUSE

[KINSEY TAKES WEIR TO A ROOM FULL OF BOXES AND BOXES OF SGC FILES.]

SLASHERS (hopeful): Any video?

KINSEY: The file you read in the car is just the beginning. You might want to familiarize yourself with some more of this before you take the job.

WEIR: Take the job? I only just found out that science fiction isn't fiction. I can't imagine what kind of job you're offering me sir, but at this point I really don't care anymore.

KINSEY: I realize you haven't met the President yet. Just try and say no.

AUDIENCE: No. See, it's not hard.

EXT. SPACE

[AN ALIEN SHIP AND GLIDERS DROP OUT OF HYPERSPACE.]

EXT. P3X-439

[THERE'S A HUGE STATUE THAT LOOKS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN BUDDHA AND ABE LINCOLN. JACK'S SITTING ON THE GROUND, ON GUARD AS DANIEL IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE THE ALIEN DEVICE IS LOCATED.]

JACK: You know we've searched this place up and down. We could have Goa'uld on our collective asses any minute now.

DANIEL: I know. According to the text on this column, it's inside.

JACK: Inside, you say? Well let me tell you my friend, there is no inside. There's just a whole lot of outside.

FRIENDSHIPPERS: Jack said Daniel's his friend! Yippee!

WRITERS: It's just a sarcastic figure of speech.

FRIENDSHIPPERS: We don't care, you moon-faced assassins of joy!

SAM: I'm getting some strange readings coming from here.

DANIEL: If I'm right...

DANIEL FANS: And you usually are.

[DANIEL PRESSES SOMETHING ON THE WALL, AND THE WALL SHIFTS, AND SAM JUMPS BACK WHEN THE FACE HUGGER APPEARS.]

AUDIENCE: What's got Sam so skittish?

NOROMOS: Guilty conscience?

SAM: We just have to figure out how to get this thing out of the wall.

AUDIENCE: It's Sammie the Wonder Horse to the rescue!

[DANIEL WALKS UP TO IT, IT OPENS, LIGHT IS SEEN COMING OUT OF IT.]

SAM: Careful!

[SAM GRABS DANIEL'S ARM.]

S/D SHIPPERS: [swoon]

SLASHERS: Hands off or Jack may break 'em off.

JACK: Alright one more time. Why are we doing this? Why?

AUDIENCE: We've been asking variations on those questions all season. They're not answering.

WRITERS: [still looking smug]

[ANOTHER TEAM IS GUARDING THE GATE.]

HARPER: Sir! We got multiple bogey's coming in fast.

REYNOLDS: Dial the Gate!

AIRMAN: Can we dial 911 on that thing?

REYNOLDS: Send a constant radio signal, we have to keep that door open. (Thru radio) SG1 we have incoming.

JACK: Alright let's go.

DANIEL: Jack, we can't just leave.

JACK: Daniel.

SLASHERS: More. We want more.

TEAL'C: We must not allow this device to fall into the hands of Anubis.

JACK: Fine.

[JACK BEING PLACING C-4 CHARGES.]

DANIEL: JACK! Don't go to the dark side! Don't blow shit up, especially not a library *and* a ruin in one shot. You *so* do not want to piss off an Ancient Librarian.

SAM: Sir, he's right, if we destroy it we lose our only chance to find the location of the Lost City.

AUDIENCE: Um... if it's Ancient tech, would C-4 be able to destroy it? The stargates seem to take a licking and keep on ticking. Not that we actually get to see them very much anymore.

JACK: Alright then, what?

[DANIEL MAKES A RUN FOR THE DEVICE, JACK STOPS HIM AND PUSHES HIM HARD AGAINST THE WALL.]

JACK: No, no, no, no, no!

SLASHERS: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

DANIEL: Jack, somebody has to do it. The answer is in there! Let me do it.

JACK: And who does the translating, when you go Ancient?

[GLIDERS ARE SHOOTING, SO JACK AND DANIEL ARE HUDDLED CLOSE TOGETHER.]

SLASHERS: Squee!

JACK: In fact you're the one person who CAN'T do it.

[JACK PUTS HIS HEAD INTO THE DEVICE BEFORE ANYONE CAN STOP HIM.]

DANIEL: Jack!!!

SAM: Sir!

ANGST FANS OF ALL VARIETIES: A dark and angsty squee!

TEAL'C: I must not like O'Neill anymore. No line here.

SLASHERS: He's sacrificing what's left of his brain to protect Daniel!

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C HELP CARRY JACK, WHILE SAM COVERS THEM ON THE WAY BACK TO THE GATE. ONCE THEY'RE FAR ENOUGH AWAY, SHE HITS THE REMOTE TO SET OFF THE C-4.]

DANIEL: Take cover!

[A STAFF BLAST HITS NEARBY AND THEY GO DOWN.]

SLASHERS: [giggle] Go down.

DANIEL: Jack, Jack, you ok?

JACK: What's going on? You're on top of me and this is *not* my house or your apartment.

[THEY ESCAPE THROUGH THE GATE.]

INT. GATEROOM

HAMMOND: What happened?

JACK: I did it again.

SLASHERS: But only to save Daniel!

INT. OVAL OFFICE

PRESIDENT HAYES: Doctor Weir. I'm sorry to have kept you so late.

WEIR: That's all right, I've been doing a little reading. Mr. President... I mean, this is truly so outrageous. I feel compelled on behalf of everyone who has no idea, that, that...

[HAYES INTERUPTS TO TALK TO A SECRETARY ON THE PHONE.]

HAYES: Megan, could you get a car ready for Doctor Weir? Five minutes.

[HAYES AKS DR. WEIR TO SIT DOWN.]

HAYES: Your reaction was very similar to mine when I found out.

WEIR: I'm sorry. Five minutes, sir?

HAYES: The negotiation you mediated in North Africa?

WEIR: Yes? What does that have to do with this?

HAYES: Well just that the Stargate probably makes that seem like child's play.

WEIR: Well, frankly sir I have absolutely no idea what you want from me.

AUDIENCE: Neither do we, and not really caring much about it either.

HAYES: You brokered a dozen of the most sensitive international treaties in modern times. You speak God knows how many languages.

WEIR: Just five.

DANIEL FANS: Five? Hah! When you get over twenty, we'll think about taking it seriously. Daniel is a very cunning linguist.

HAYES: Five. I suppose your aversion to the military will be an issue.

WEIR: What are we talking about, exactly?

HAYES: You running the Stargate Program.

WEIR: Oh...

AUDIENCE: For someone who speaks *five* whole languages, we're surprised she doesn't know the next word is shit. Merde. Mierda. Merda. Scheiss.

INT. SGC

HAMMOND: How the hell did this happen?

DANIEL: He did it deliberately.

TEAL'C: In order to access the knowledge of the Ancients.

DANIEL: He, we, figured we'd never get another shot at it.

SAM: We know from experience that the Ancients knowledge will essentially overwrite the Colonel's brain. We're hoping that during the transformation process he'll become aware of the information we're looking for.

HAMMOND: And then?

SAM: And then it will overwhelm his nervous system, and the Colonel will...

[JACK ENTERS THE ROOM.]

JACK: What? Meet my maker? Pay the piper? Reach the pearly gates? Start pushing up daisies here and there?

AUDIENCE: The Asgard really did take out his intelligence and replace it with Cosmic Giddiness (tm), didn't they?

JACK: Why? We all know exactly what's going to happen. In a few days I start speaking some strange language. A few days after that I start doing things beyond my control, and a few days after that, it's goodnight my someone, goodnight.

[DANIEL AND SAM GIVE A PAINED REACTION SHOT.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

SLASHERS: Squee!

S/J SHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: What the hell just happened?

NOROMOS: We're not sure, but we think the earth has stopped spinning.

JACK: So with your permission, sir, I'd like to take the weekend to get some personal things together.

SAM: The last time, it did take a couple of days before we noticed any change in the Colonel's behavior.

AUDIENCE: Um. The writers really need to rewatch The Fifth Race. Jack was speaking Ancient words during the debriefing, mere hours after they got back.

HAMMOND: Permission granted.

JACK: Thank you sir. Now if you'll excuse me, my favorite television show starts in a half-hour.

SLASHERS: Queer as Folk?

INT. OVAL OFFICE

HAYES: We've already done an initial review and we've decided to suspend current operations until a new government division can be established. There's no question the Stargate is a dangerous thing, but given what we know is going on out there, it's something we can't ignore.

NOROMOS: Unlike the writer's attempt at ship.

WEIR: No obviously not. I don't want this to sound like a terribly self-centered question...

HAYES: Why you?

WEIR: Why me?

HAYES: What do you think?

WEIR: Well, I'm betting other world leaders are pressuring you for control.

HAYES: See, I knew you were a quick study.

WEIR: And I can advise you there, but I am not qualified to negotiate with aliens.

HAYES: Well, no one is, Doctor. Not you, not me. But someone has to do it. 

DANIEL FANS: 'Scuse us Pres, but Daniel's been doing it for years. 

AUDIENCE: And Joe Faxon was attempting to serve as an Ambassador. He couldn't help it if the Aschen were complete bastards.

HAYES: The fact is, we can't keep this thing a secret forever.

WEIR: And you want to put a friendly face on this thing when it goes public. Someone a little less threatening than a US Military General.

AUDIENCE: Oh, we're sure the audience will be ever so much reassured by having a totally green civilian in charge when we're under threat of attack.

HAYES: People will panic. You're not just a figurehead for the sake of public. I chose you for a damn good reason.

AUDIENCE: Which is?

[WEIR'S RIDE HAS ARRIVED.]

WEIR: I take it my five minutes are up?

HAYES: Actually it was seven. Don't worry. This is just the beginning.

WEIR: What if I say no, sir?

HAYES: Never going to happen.

[KINSEY'S LURKING OUTSIDE.]

KINSEY: So! Things aren't quite as simple as they seem.

AUDIENCE: Jack's seeming rather simple lately.

WEIR: They've never seemed simple, sir.

KINSEY: Be careful who you trust, Doctor.

WEIR: Does that include you, sir?

KINSEY: He may be the President, but I am the one person on this fair planet you want on your side and the one person you don't want to cross.

AUDIENCE: And Kinsey's a rat bastard. That's pretty simple.

JACK'S HOUSE

[SAM KNOCKS ON THE DOOR, JACK ANSWERS.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Set phasers on "squee"!

SAM: Hi Sir.

JACK: Carter?

SAM: Did I wake you?

JACK: Sorta.

SLASHERS: Snoozing after the wild night with Daniel last night, eh?

SAM: I couldn't sleep at all last night.

S/P SHIPPERS: Pete's that good, eh?

JACK: You should have called.

S/J SHIPPERS: Phone sex!

SAM:I didn't want to bother you.

JACK: I was just looking at the sky. Trying to figure out how many stars we'd actually been to.

SAM: Actually, only a few of the stars visible from Earth have Stargates on them, so...

JACK: I knew that.

SAM: Yeah.

AUDIENE: Yeah, back in the earlier seasons, Jack didn't just use the telescope to spy on the neighbors.

JACK: Hammond send you by to check up on me?

SAM: No! It's funny really, I was out driving, you know... in my car, and I, um, I drove here. Yeah...

JACK: "Funny."

SAM: Yeah.

JACK: There's coffee around here.

[GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND DISCOVERS THERE IS NO COFFEE.]

JACK: Maybe not. How about a beer?

SLASHERS: Daniel drank all the coffee, didn't he? Or threw it out because it wasn't the good stuff.

SAM: Sure, why not.

JACK: Want a glass? I can wash one.

AUDIENCE: Sam, stick with the bottle. You saw the growths in his fridge back in Fragile Balance, so the bottle might be the only safe thing in his house.

SAM: No, I'm fine. Thank you, sir.

[SAM POINTS TO A FAMILY PICTURE WITH JACK, SARA, AND CHARLIE.]

SAM: So, do you ever talk to her?

NOROMOS: Oh, fer cryin' out loud. The man's dying and you're trying to scope out how he feels about his ex?

JACK: Can we not talk about that?

NOROMOS: Oh, we so (heart) you now Jack.

SAM: Sorry. How are you feeling?

JACK: Can we not talk about that either?

SAM: OK. What do you want to talk about? You wanna be alone. This was a bad... I.. I... should go.

S/J SHIPPERS: No, don't!

NOROMOS: Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

JACK: Finish your beer. And then you have to wait at least an hour before you drive.

SAM: Sir?

[SAM SITS NEXT TO HIM ON THE SOFA. SHIPPERS SWOON.]

JACK: What?

SAM:I should have done it.

JACK: What? Stuck your head in that thing? Are you nuts? Carter, you're one of this country's natural resources. If not a national treasure.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS SICK OF SHIP AND SAMGATE: [gag] [hurl]

JACK: It couldn't have gone down any other way. I hope it's worth it.

SAM: Even if we do find the Lost City. Even if we get there and find exactly what we're looking for to defend the planet...

JACK: THAT... would be worth it.

NOROMOS: And it looks like getting his brain scrambled is the only way to get away from his second-in-command from making the doe-eyes-of-death at him.

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C ARRIVE AT THE DOOR. THEY WALK IN AFTER DANIEL DOES A "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" KNOCK ON THE DOOR.]

SLASHERS: Daniel's comfortable enough at Jack's to just walk in. Sam had to knock.

S/J SHIPPERS: [sputter] Sam was being polite.

SLASHERS: Screw polite. Doesn't get you laid.

JACK: In here.

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C ENTER. TEAL'C'S CARRYING A WHITE BOX.]

DANIEL: Oh sorry, are we interrupting anything?

JACK & SAM:(Same time) No...

NOROMOS: No, thank god in heaven, no.

SHIPPERS: Missing scene!

SLASHERS: No. Just, no.

JACK: What are you doing here?

DANIEL: Oh we... well it's... it's a funny story actually. We , we, ah, were driving by and we , uh... saw Sam's car in the driveway, and... and... uh...

JACK: Funny.

DANIEL: Teal'c said to me. Well he didn't actually say anything. He just kinda looked at me and did that eyebrow raise thing that he kinda does and I said to him, I said "Hey, why don't we stop by and"...

SMUTTERS: Have a final orgy?

NOROMOS: [moaning pitifully from the floor] Not listening, so not listening.

SMUTTERS: That's OK, we're taping it for later.

JACK: Is that doughnuts?

TEAL'C: Indeed!

JACK (in a Montgomery Burns voice): Excellent.

TEAL'C FANS: It's about time he realized the value of Teal'c's doughnuts.

SMUTTERS: Among other things.

TEAL'C FANS: Indeed, baybee, indeed.

EXT. P3X-439

[ANUBIS ARRIVES, FLANKED BY SUPER TROOPERS.]

AUDIENCE: You mean there's some still around after the _three week_ lifespan set up by the writers, who then had the queen producing new ones destroyed?

WRITERS: [harsh whisper] Shut. Up.

FIRST PRIME: My Lord. I believe the humans of the Tau'ri destroyed the device you sought.

NUBY: You failed to stop them.

FIRST PRIME: They anticipated our arrival, my Lord.

[ANUBIS HOLDS UP HIS HAND, STOPPING THE JAFFA FROM SPEAKING. THE SUPER TROOPERS FIRE, KILLING ALL THE JAFFA.]

AUDIENCE: So they *can* hit the broad side of a barn!

INT. JACK'S HOUSE

[SG-1 ARE GETTING VERY DRUNK.]

JACK: You're so wrong. It's a perfect analogy. Burns as Goa'uld.

TEAL'C: They are merely animated characters, O'Neill.

AUDIENCE: Besides, it's Kinsey who's Burns. Woolsey is Smithers.

JACK: You are so shallow!

AUDIENCE: Yes we are. Give us arm porn, or give us... butt shots.

DANIEL: Oh Please! Teal'c's like one of the deepest people I know. He's so deep. Come on! Tell 'em how deep you are. You'll be lucky if you understand this.

TEAL'C: My depth is immaterial to this conversation.

SLASHERS: But there are other conversations...

SMUTTERS: ...where it would totally material.

DANIEL: Oh!! See?

JACK: No more beer for you.

SAM: I'm sorry sir, but I have to agree. I don't see the connection.

JACK: All right, that does it. You know the entire VHS collection was going to one of you. It's going to Siler. He gets it.

[THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. JACK'S EXPECTING PIZZA, BUT IT'S HAMMOND.]

JACK: Well, you're not the usual delivery boy.

HAMMOND: Is this a good time?

JACK: It's always a good time for you, sir. Come on in. Let me get you a chair.

SAM (stands to attention): General.

HAMMOND: At ease Major, please.

[HAMMOND WANTS TO TALK TO ALL OF THEM, AND ASK FOR A BEER.]

JACK: I hope you like Guinness, sir. I find it a refreshing substitute for... food.

HAMMOND: I've been relieved of command.

[EVERYONE LOOKS STUNNED, INCLUDING THE AUDIENCE.]

JACK: What?

HAMMOND: The President has effectively shut down the SGC for a three-month review process. During which time, a newly formed Government department will take the place of Stargate Command.

SAM: But sir, the Colonel. We don't have much time.

TEAL'C: How could this happen? And whom do I hurt?

DANIEL: Kinsey.

HAMMOND: I've known President Hayes for a long time. He's a good man. Despite his tastes in running mates, maybe. Robert Kinsey brought in a lot of campaign financing. For all we know, he may have used his knowledge of the Stargate as leverage to get himself a place on the ticket. It doesn't matter now.

JACK: We've been in this situation before.

HAMMOND: No, this time it's different.

SAM: Who's replacing you, sir?

HAMMOND: Her name is Doctor Elizabeth Weir.

JACK: A civilian?

DANIEL: I've heard of her. She's an expert in international politics. She mediates some high level negotiations for the UN. I actually referenced some of her work when I drafted the first treaty for the Tok'ra.

DANIEL FANS: Once again taking Daniel's accomplishments and giving them to someone else, we see.

HAMMOND: All I know is I've been ordered to Washington to discuss reassignment. I leave tomorrow.

JACK: General, we do have a little unfinished business here.

HAMMOND: As far as I know, you're all to report for work as scheduled on Monday.

TEAL'C: Something must be done. Someone's ass must be kicked.

AUDIENCE: How about the writers? But you have to be careful, because if they suspect you're a fan favorite, you're sure to be killed off.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[WEIR IS LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AT THE GATE, WHILE TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE HEADSET.]

DANIEL: Amazing isn't it?

WEIR: I don't really care.

AUDIENCE: The writers don't either.

DANIEL: OK...

[WEIR REALIZES DANIEL IS THERE, AND FINISHES UP HER PHONE CONVESATION.]

WEIR: Sorry. I walk around with this thing, I look like a crazy person, talking to myself. Elizabeth Weir.

DANIEL: Daniel Jackson.

WEIR: I can't get used to being this far underground. I keep looking around for a window.

DANIEL: I see you found the one with the best view. I remember when we were first trying to get the Stargate to work, I would come here and just stare at it for hours.

AUDIENCE: We don't, because we saw the movie. Daniel never laid eyes on the gate until *after* he cracked the code, and they were inputting the address before they explained what it was.

WRITERS: Um. Well. Um... We don't have that DVD?

WEIR: Is that a gentle reminder that you've been an important part of this since the very beginning?

DANIEL: Subtle huh?

DANIEL FANS: Forget subtle. The gate program didn't work until Daniel arrived, even after two years of Sammie the Wonder Horse working on it.

AUDIENCE: But she was a real character back then, not Sammie the Wonder Horse.

DANIEL FANS: [pout] OK, we'll give you that one, but we're getting tired of everyone trying to knock Daniel's contribution to the program, both the gate program and the TV program.

WEIR: Mmn-Hmn ...

WEIR: I don't expect the warmest welcome from the military personnel.

DANIEL: You're replacing a great man, uniform not withstanding.

WEIR: Okay... but I'm hoping you of all people, won't jump to conclusions.

DANIEL: Like why someone like you is here?

WEIR: Someone like me?

DANIEL: Yeah, someone who started their career as a political activist. Lobbying against the government spending on the military.

WEIR: And how I end up working for those I was criticizing? I know, but I've decided that the best way to stop the proliferation of weapons is to try and end the need for them. So I'm going to be the voice of reason to whoever will listen.

AUDIENCE: It tends to be the folks who won't listen that are the problem, so you're pretty much spitting in the wind sweetie.

DANIEL: And you think that's why the President chose you to take over the SGC?

WEIR: I don't know why I've been given this job. I really don't, but I'm going to do it to the best of my abilities as long as I'm here. I'm going to start by examining the mandate for this program.

DANIEL: Hey I'm not saying that everything that has been going on around here is right, I mean we have no right to play god, but neither do the Goa'uld. They'll destroy or enslave us all if they can, and you can't really understand that without going through the gate yourself.

WEIR: In good time.

DANIEL: We may not have good time, and Jack O'Neill certainly doesn't.

WEIR: I want you to know that Colonel O'Neill's current condition is of serious concern to me.

DANIEL: Then realize that Jack only did what he did, because it was our only way to find the location of the Lost City.

[THE GATE STARTS TURNING.]

CHEVRON GUY: Unscheduled incoming traveler.

WEIR: All the off world teams are back already.

PIERCE: Dr Weir, we are receiving Master Bra'tac's personal identification code.

WEIR: I know what an IDC is, thank you Colonel Pierce.

DANIEL: Well he's an ally and if we don't open the iris...

WEIR: I understand, thank you. I *have* watched the show. Go ahead please.

[DANIEL AND WEIR WALK DOWN TO THE GATEROOM AND GREET BRA'TAC.]

DANIEL: This is Dr. Elizabeth Weir, she's the new leader of this facility.

BRA'TAC: Has Hammond of Texas fallen in battle?

HAMMOND/BRA'TAC SLASHERS: We don't get many moments, but when we do, it's like they hand them to us.

WEIR: No sir, he's fine.

DANIEL: We've had some recent change in our political leaders.

BRA'TAC: I see.

AUDIENCE: At least *someone* does.

DANIEL: Bra'tac, what's wrong?

BRA'TAC: I am afraid I am not the bearer of good news. We have had word from Jaffa loyal to our cause. Anubis is gathering full force of his fleet. He will be here within three days.

AUDIENCE: You mean that fleet manned by Super Troopers that are past their expiration date?

WRITERS: Argh!

INT. OVAL OFFICE.

[THE PRESIDENT IS FINISHING UP A PHONE CALL WITH KINSEY ABOUT BRA'TAC'S NEWS WHEN HAMMOND ARRIVES.]

HAMMOND: Mr. President.

HAYES:I think it was Lieutenant last time we spoke, wasn't it?

HAMMOND: For both of us, that was a lot of hair ago, sir.

HAYES: You know when I took this job, I thought I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. But then I found out what you do for a living.

HAMMOND: Yes, sir. Putting up with Colonel O'Neill's Cosmic Giddiness (tm) is a full-time job.

HAYES: Dr. Weir, she's as smart as they come.

HAMMOND: I hope so. Or else between listening to Major Carter's technobabble and Dr. Jackson babbling about artifacts, her head will explode.

HAYES: The poor thing, she has no idea what's she gotten herself into. I had no choice George, I had to do something. I want you to know that I'm aware of your history with the Vice President.

HAMMOND: Yes sir.

HAYES: Hell, We both know why I picked Kinsey, more then the money... he delivered Florida all by himself. Trust me, if I knew then...

HAMMOND: Of course.

HAYES: So, let's talk about your reassignment.

HAMMOND:I was thinking more along the lines of retirement, sir.

HAYES:I don't think so George, not just yet. I want to keep you around Washington, we're going to need you and your expertise.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM.

JACK: Three days from now is a Thursday. Thursday's not good for us.

AUDIENCE: We keep hearing Concerta works wonders for dealing with Cosmic Giddiness (tm).

SAM: Why now?

TEAL'C: Anubis believes that we know the location of the Lost City.

SAM: We don't.

JACK: Not yet.

DANIEL: Yes, but He doesn't know that we don't know...

[KINSEY AND WEIR ARRIVE.]

KINSEY: Oh! Well, some people just don't know when to leave.

AUDIENCE: Is he talking to himself now?

WEIR: Colonel O'Neill, Major Carter, Teal'c. I know these are strange circumstances to be meeting for the first time.

JACK: And you are...?

WEIR: I am... Dr Elizabeth Weir, Colonel.

KINSEY: You can just call her your one hope of ever stepping through the Stargate again.

JACK: Bit of a mouthful.

WEIR: I know I'm playing catch-up, but I understand that time is short.

JACK: Actually it's all relativ,e ma'am. Carter could explain it better if we had more time.

AUDIENCE: Oh, please no. Haven't we suffered enough?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS SICK OF SHIP AND SAMGATE: The writers don't seem to think so.

WEIR: Obviously this is a situation of great importance.

JACK: She's quick.

KINSEY: Which is why I've taken it upon myself to come on down and see what Mr. Bra'tac has to say personally.

JACK: MASTER Bra'tac, Master.

KINSEY: I beg your pardon. So you believe the Goa'uld Anubis is planning to attack?

BRA'TAC: You may be certain of it.

KINSEY: I'll say this, the timing is impeccable. The moment we suspend Stargate operations, you pull this out of your hat.

AUDIENCE: [rolls eyes]

[WEIR STOPS JACK AND KINSEY'S ENSUEING PISSING MATCH.]

WEIR: Let's assume that Master Bra'tac is in earnest and that the threat is real.

DANIEL: Do you even know what the threat is? Anubis is a half-Goa'uld, half-Ascended Ancient. With the knowledge and technology at his disposal to wipe us all from the face of the Earth.

WEIR: What about negotiating?

JACK: Oh' for crying out loud, that's derantis.

[EVERYONE LOOKS AT JACK.]

DANIEL: You just said derantis.

JACK: Did not.

DANIEL: Did to.

JACK: Derantis, what is that?

KINSEY: Latin?

WEIR: No it's not.

DANIEL: I think what Colonel O'Neill is trying to say is that trying to negotiate based on our past experiences would be insane... crazy.

WEIR: Yeah, I got that.

AUDIENCE: And we think Daniel did a bit of delicate translation there.

SAM: However, we believe that there may be alien technology within our reach that could defeat Anubis.

KINSEY: So now you're pulling a ray gun out of your hat.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, one to shoot you with.

KINSEY: I can't believe we're sitting here listening to this.

AUDIENCE: Neither can we. Anyone think we can bribe that Secret Service agent watching over Kinsey to turn around for a sec?

WEIR: The fact is, until we know the location of the Lost City...

JACK: I know where it is. I will, it's in there somewhere. Look, let me make this simple. If I come up with the Lost City, we go find it, yes or no?

KINSEY: No!

WEIR: I will consider it.

BRA'TAC: I must return to Chulak.

TEAL'C: I too will go, in the hope of procuring ships and warriors to defend this world.

[KINSEY FOLLOWS WEIR INTO HER OFFICE, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.]

KINSEY: What the hell was that?

WEIR: This is my call. Colonel O'Neill...

KINSEY: Is the one who got us into this mess in the first place!

WEIR: I don't see...

KINSEY: I want him gone, Doctor. I want them all gone. You haven't figured that out yet?

WEIR: Oh, I figured out quite a bit.

KINSEY: Well hallelujah for that.

WEIR: This is my office, this is my chair. Until someone tells me otherwise, I'm going to make decisions as I see fit. Not as they fit into your agenda.

KINSEY: You have no idea what my agenda is.

WEIR: Whatever your agenda is.

AUDIENCE: None of us really care what your agenda is either. But we like that Weir's not an Instant Puppet Girl.

INT. GATEROOM

JACK: So T, if I don't see you again...

TEAL'C: I will see you soon, O'Neill.

JACK: You know something I don't?

TEAL'C: In fact, it is you that knows something I do not.

JACK: I hope you're right.

[TEAL'C ATTEMPTS TO DO A JAFFA HANDSHAKE, WHICH MORPHS INTO A HUG.]

SLASHERS: We're having A Moment here. [sigh]

TEAL'C: I wish you all well.

[TEAL'C GOES THROUGH THE GATE.]

AUDIENCE: Can we go with him? 'Cause we'd much rather go through the gate instead of dealing with Kinsey and stupid political machinations.

TO BE CONTINUED

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, JACK BECOMES GIDDY IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE, KINSEY IS STILL AN ASS, AND THE SHIP GOES ON ICE.


End file.
